The Courage to Be Disliked by Kishimi & Koga — Blueprint

The Courage to Be Disliked by Kishimi & Koga

Posted on by Nelson D'Souza

Book Title: The Courage to Be Disliked

Authors: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

Published: 2013

Genre: Adlerian Psychology / Philosophy

Table of Contents

1. Book Basics

Why This Book Exists

The Courage to Be Disliked was published in Japan in 2013 and became a cultural phenomenon, selling over 3.5 million copies in Japan alone before becoming an international bestseller. Written by philosopher Ichiro Kishimi and author Fumitake Koga, the book presents the psychology of Alfred Adler — one of the three founding giants of modern psychology alongside Freud and Jung, and arguably the most practically applicable — through a five-night Socratic dialogue between a young man struggling with his life and a philosopher who challenges every assumption the young man holds.

Alfred Adler (1870–1937) broke with Freud on the fundamental question of causation. Freud argued that our present behaviour is caused by our past experiences. Adler argued that we choose our present behaviour in service of our future goals. This is the teleological rather than the aetiological view of psychology — we are not driven forward by causes but pulled forward by purposes. The implications are radical and, for many readers, initially infuriating: if your suffering is not caused by your past but chosen in service of a goal, then you could, in principle, choose differently — right now, not after years of therapy.

The book’s format — the Socratic dialogue — is ideally suited to its content, because Adler’s psychology is genuinely counterintuitive at almost every turn. The young man asks questions, receives answers that contradict his assumptions, pushes back, and gradually — over five nights that span the book — begins to shift. The reader does the same. By the fifth night, the worldview the young man held at the beginning has been systematically dismantled and rebuilt on different foundations. The experience is closer to philosophy than self-help — closer to Plato than to Tony Robbins.

2. The Big Idea

The central premise of The Courage to Be Disliked is that we are not determined by our past. The causes we attribute to our current behaviour and suffering — the difficult childhood, the failed relationship, the trauma, the personality type — are not causes at all in the Adlerian framework. They are excuses. Not excuses in the moralistic, blame-allocating sense, but excuses in the precise psychological sense: stories we construct and maintain in order to avoid the terrifying freedom of being fully responsible for who we are and what we choose.

Adler’s alternative framework is teleological. All psychological phenomena, including the suffering we experience and attribute to external causes, are in service of a goal. The person who suffers from anxiety does not suffer despite wanting to live fully — she suffers as a way of maintaining a reason not to live fully. The anxiety is the excuse. Take away the anxiety and you have to confront the freedom and responsibility of action. The anxiety is more comfortable. This is not cruelty; it is the most compassionate framework available, because it is the only one that makes change possible without waiting for the past to change.

The second major claim is equally radical: all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. There is no purely internal suffering that is not ultimately about how we relate to other people and to the social world. The specific mechanism by which interpersonal relationships generate suffering is what Adler calls the pursuit of recognition — the need for others’ approval as the primary driver of behaviour. The courage to be disliked is the courage to stop making others’ approval the primary criterion for your choices, and to live instead from what Adler calls self-reliance and what the book calls the courage to be yourself.

What Changes

The primary change is the dissolution of what Adler calls the life-lie — the specific story each person tells about why they cannot be who they know they could be. Not the generic life-lie, but the specific one: I cannot leave because of my anxiety, I cannot change because of my childhood, I cannot pursue what I love because of my responsibilities. Each of these stories serves a purpose — it protects the person from the exposure and potential failure that genuine change involves. When the story is identified as a choice rather than a fact, the protection dissolves along with the excuse.

The secondary change is in the understanding of freedom. Adlerian psychology defines freedom as the separation of tasks: knowing clearly which choices and responsibilities belong to you and which belong to others, and refusing to take ownership of the latter. The person who is perpetually concerned with others’ opinions and perpetually managing their impressions is not free — they have given others’ reactions sovereignty over their own choices. Reclaiming the separation of tasks is the specific practical act by which freedom is recovered.

3. The Core Argument — The Five Nights

Night 1: Deny Trauma — The Teleological Framework

Adler rejects Freudian aetiology: your past does not cause your present. Your present is chosen in service of your future goals. The person who says “I cannot go out because of my anxiety” has not been prevented from going out by anxiety — they have constructed the anxiety as a means of achieving the goal of not going out. Why would they want to not go out? Because going out involves the possibility of failure, rejection, and judgment. The anxiety protects against that possibility. It is not a symptom; it is a strategy. This is the most challenging claim in the book and the most practically important.

Night 2: All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

There is no purely internal suffering that is not ultimately about how we relate to others and the social world. Adler’s observation that virtually all psychological suffering has a relational component — feelings of inferiority, superiority, guilt, shame, resentment — points to the interpersonal domain as both the source and the site of resolution. The desire for recognition — others’ approval and admiration — is the specific mechanism by which relationships generate suffering. You cannot be free while making others’ approval the criterion for your choices.

Night 3: Discard Other People’s Tasks

Adler’s concept of task separation is one of the most practically liberating ideas in psychology: every action and every consequence belongs to the person who chooses it. Your child’s education is your child’s task; you can support it but not live it. Your partner’s happiness is your partner’s task; you can contribute to it but not own it. Your parents’ disappointment in your choices is their task; you can acknowledge it but not be governed by it. The invasion of others’ tasks — taking responsibility for what is not yours — is the specific mechanism by which interpersonal suffering is generated and maintained.

Night 4: Where the Centre of the World Is

Community feeling — the sense of belonging and contribution to something larger than the self — is what Adler identifies as the goal of healthy psychology. Not self-esteem (the evaluation of the self against others) but self-worth: the sense of being valuable as a contribution to the community, independent of comparison and rank. The person who has community feeling does not need others’ approval because their sense of value is grounded in contribution rather than comparison. They are free to be disliked because they do not require being liked to feel worthwhile.

Night 5: To Live in Earnest in the Here and Now

Adlerian psychology rejects both the life of the past (determined by what has happened) and the life of the future (deferred until some condition is met). The only life available is the present moment, lived earnestly. Not with the intensity of crisis but with the ordinariness of full engagement — doing what is in front of you with genuine attention, contribution, and the willingness to be seen. The courage to be disliked is ultimately the courage to be fully present and fully yourself, without the protection of others’ approval as a safety net.

4. What I Liked

The teleological framework is the most practically powerful idea in modern psychology. If current behaviour serves a current goal, then the goal is the place to intervene — not the history, not the diagnosis, not the personality type. This reframe converts therapeutic timescales from years to moments: the question is not “why am I this way because of what happened?” but “what goal is being served by being this way?” That question can be answered and addressed right now.

Task separation is one of the most immediately applicable concepts in the entire series. The specific practice of identifying “whose task is this?” in any given situation of interpersonal friction produces immediate relief. Most interpersonal suffering is generated by the invasion of others’ tasks — taking responsibility for their feelings, reactions, and choices. Returning each task to its owner is not cruelty; it is the prerequisite for genuine relationship.

The dialogue format makes the philosophy genuinely accessible. The young man’s objections are the reader’s objections, made at exactly the moment the reader would make them. Kishimi and Koga have constructed the dialogue with enough care that the philosophical movement mirrors the reader’s actual process of resistance and gradual understanding. This is a more sophisticated pedagogical choice than it might appear.

The inferiority complex vs. inferiority feeling distinction is clinically precise. Adler distinguishes between the inferiority feeling (universal, motivating, healthy) and the inferiority complex (the excuse constructed from the feeling to justify inaction). Everyone has inferiority feelings; not everyone converts them into complexes. The complex is the choice to use the feeling as a reason not to act. That choice can be unmade.

Community feeling as the goal of psychology is a genuinely radical proposition. Most psychological frameworks aim at the individual’s wellbeing, self-esteem, or functioning. Adler’s framework aims at contribution — the sense of being useful to something larger than the self. This is both more demanding and more liberating than self-esteem-based frameworks, because it grounds worth in action rather than evaluation.

5. What I Questioned

The dismissal of trauma is too absolute. The teleological framework is useful and correct as a framework for adult choice-making. But the claim that past experiences do not cause present behaviour is too strong. Developmental trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and attachment wiring demonstrably shape adult psychology in ways that are not simply chosen strategies. The framework works best as a tool for change, not as a complete account of causation.

The “all problems are interpersonal” claim is reductive. While the relational dimension of psychological suffering is real and underappreciated, not all suffering is primarily interpersonal. Grief, existential anxiety, physical illness, and many other sources of genuine suffering are not reducible to interpersonal relationship problems. The Adlerian lens illuminates certain dimensions of suffering brilliantly and misses others.

The courage to be disliked is harder in some social positions than others. The freedom from needing others’ approval that the book describes is more accessible to people with social, economic, and cultural capital than to people whose livelihoods, safety, or belonging genuinely depend on maintaining approval within specific social structures. The framework does not engage with the structural dimensions of social approval and its consequences.

Community feeling is underdefined in practice. Adler’s concept of community feeling as the goal of healthy psychology is compelling in the abstract. The book is less specific about what contributing to community looks like in the texture of daily life, how to develop it when it is genuinely absent, and how to distinguish it from the approval-seeking it is meant to replace.

6. One Image That Stuck

The Angry Man and the Fist

Early in the dialogues, the philosopher presents a scenario: a man is berating a waiter loudly in a restaurant, visibly furious. The young man’s assumption is the ordinary one — the man is angry, and the anger is causing the behaviour. The philosopher proposes an alternative: the man chose the anger. Before he raised his voice, there was a decision — perhaps entirely unconscious and instantaneous — to produce anger as a means of achieving a goal. The goal might be to establish dominance, to get better service, to release accumulated frustration from an unrelated source, or simply to feel powerful in a moment when he felt powerless.

The emotion, in this account, is not a cause that drives behaviour. It is a tool that is manufactured for a purpose. We do not get angry and therefore shout; we decide to shout and produce the emotion of anger to fuel and justify the decision. This is not a peripheral point in Adlerian psychology — it is the core of the teleological framework applied to emotional life. It implies that emotions are not experiences that happen to us but creations we make in service of our goals.

The image stays because of its unsettling precision. Most people, on reflection, can identify moments when they produced anger, sadness, or anxiety in this way — manufactured the emotion to serve a purpose rather than simply experiencing it as a reaction. The recognition does not make the emotion less real or less felt. It does make it less inevitable. If the emotion is a tool, it is a tool you can choose to use or not use. That choice is exactly what the book is asking you to exercise.

7. Key Insights

1. You are not determined by your past — you are using your past. The past does not cause the present. It provides the material from which you construct a story that serves your current goals. The question is not “why am I this way because of what happened?” but “what goal is served by being this way?” That question can be answered and changed now.

2. All psychological suffering has an interpersonal dimension. There is no purely internal suffering that is not ultimately about how we relate to other people and the social world. Feelings of inferiority, superiority, guilt, shame, and resentment are all relational. The relational domain is both where the suffering is generated and where it can be addressed.

3. The desire for recognition is the primary mechanism of unfreedom. Making others’ approval the criterion for your choices is the specific mechanism by which you surrender your freedom. You cannot be truly free while needing to be liked, because every choice is then filtered through the question of how it will be received.

4. Separate your tasks from others’ tasks — this is the foundation of freedom. Every action and its consequences belong to the person who chooses it. Your children’s choices are their tasks. Your partner’s reactions are their tasks. Your parents’ disappointment is their task. Refusing to take ownership of others’ tasks is not abandonment — it is the respect of treating others as responsible for their own lives.

5. Inferiority feelings are universal and healthy — inferiority complexes are a choice. Everyone feels inferior in some domain. That feeling is motivating and healthy. The inferiority complex is what happens when you convert the feeling into an excuse for inaction: “I cannot do X because I am inferior.” That conversion is a choice, and it can be reversed.

6. Community feeling — contribution — is the alternative to approval-seeking. Self-worth grounded in contribution is more stable than self-esteem grounded in comparison and rank. The person who knows they are contributing to something larger than themselves does not need to be admired, because their sense of value is independent of others’ evaluation.

7. Emotions are not causes — they are tools manufactured to serve goals. The anger, sadness, and anxiety you experience are not simply reactions to events. They are, in many cases, creations — manufactured in service of a goal. This does not make them less real. It makes them less inevitable, and it makes the goal they serve legible.

8. The life-lie is the story you tell about why you cannot be who you know you could be. The specific story — I cannot because of my anxiety, my past, my responsibilities — is constructed and maintained because it protects against the exposure and potential failure that genuine change involves. Identifying the life-lie precisely is the first step toward discarding it.

9. Life is not a journey with a destination — it is a series of moments to live earnestly. The Adlerian framework rejects both the life of the past (determined by what happened) and the life of the future (deferred until some condition is met). The only life available is the present moment, lived with full engagement and contribution.

10. The courage to be disliked is the courage to live your own values. Being disliked by some people is not a failure — it is the necessary consequence of having genuine values. The person who is liked by everyone has no values; they have preferences that conform to whoever they are currently with. Genuine values will inevitably conflict with some people’s preferences. That conflict is the sign of authenticity.

8. Action Steps

START: The Goal Behind the Symptom

Use when: You are experiencing a recurring difficulty — anxiety, procrastination, anger, social withdrawal — and have attributed it to your history or personality.

The Practice:

Identify one recurring difficulty that you have explained to yourself using causal language: “I am anxious because of my childhood,” “I procrastinate because I am undisciplined,” “I get angry because of stress.” Convert the causal question to a teleological one: “What goal is served by this difficulty? What do I avoid, maintain, or protect by having this problem?” Sit with this question seriously — the answer may be uncomfortable.

Write the goal down explicitly. Then ask: is this goal worth the cost of the difficulty? Is there another way to achieve the same goal without the symptom?

Why it works: The teleological question converts a fixed problem into a current choice. It does not eliminate the difficulty — but it changes your relationship to it from victim to agent, which is the prerequisite for change.

STOP: Taking Ownership of Others’ Tasks

Use when: You feel responsible for other people’s emotional states, resentful of their reactions to your choices, or unable to make decisions without extensive consultation about how others will feel.

The Practice:

In any situation of interpersonal friction, ask explicitly: whose task is this? Your parent’s disappointment in your career choice is their task. Your partner’s reaction to your decision is their task. Your friend’s feeling of being left behind by your growth is their task. Support without ownership: you can care about others’ feelings and remain curious about their experience without taking responsibility for managing or resolving those feelings on their behalf.

Notice the specific relief and guilt that accompanies returning tasks to their owners. The relief is freedom. The guilt is the old pattern reasserting itself. Both are normal. Neither is a reason to reverse the decision.

Why it works: Most interpersonal suffering is generated by the invasion of others’ tasks — taking responsibility for their feelings, reactions, and choices. Returning each task to its owner is not coldness; it is the respect of treating others as responsible adults capable of managing their own inner lives.

TRY FOR 30 DAYS: The Contribution Practice

Use when: You want to develop community feeling as an alternative to approval-seeking — to ground your sense of worth in contribution rather than comparison.

The Practice:

Week 1 — Identify your current approval-seeking: Track every decision this week that is primarily motivated by how others will react rather than by what you actually value. Do not change the decisions yet — simply observe their frequency and the domains in which they most occur.

Week 2 — Identify one contribution: Find one specific, concrete way in which you contribute to someone else’s life or to a community you belong to — not to gain their approval, but simply as an expression of care. Do it without telling anyone or seeking acknowledgment.

Week 3 — Expand the contribution: Extend the practice to three or four daily contributions — small acts of usefulness, honesty, or care that are not performed for recognition. Notice how your sense of self-worth shifts when grounded in what you have actually done rather than in how you have been received.

Week 4 — Make one courageous choice: Make one decision this week that reflects your genuine values rather than anticipated approval — and allow others to react however they react. Observe: were the consequences of being disliked as bad as you feared?

What you will notice by day 30: The approval-seeking pattern will not have vanished — but its grip will have loosened through the specific evidence that self-worth grounded in contribution is more stable and more satisfying than self-worth dependent on others’ reactions. That loosening is the beginning of the courage to be disliked.

9. One Line to Remember

“Freedom is being disliked by other people. It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in accordance with your own principles.”

“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. And the goal of all human beings is to escape from that suffering.”

10. Who This Book Is For

Good for: Anyone who has been in a pattern of seeking approval at the expense of authentic choice — who makes decisions filtered through anticipated reactions rather than genuine values. The book will identify the specific mechanism of that pattern and provide a framework for replacing it.

Even better for: People who have done substantial inner work and found that understanding their past has not translated into different choices in the present. The teleological reframe converts the question from “why am I this way?” to “what is served by being this way?” — and the second question is the one that produces change.

Read carefully if: You are dealing with genuine trauma or early developmental wounding. The book’s dismissal of causal psychology is useful as a framework for adult agency but should not be applied as a blanket denial of the real effects of adverse early experience.

11. Final Verdict

The Courage to Be Disliked is the natural companion to The Four Agreements and the series’ second foundational text. Where Ruiz addresses the belief system — the fear-based agreements that shape perception — Kishimi and Koga address the agency system: the specific mechanisms by which people maintain their suffering in service of hidden goals, and the specific practices by which that maintenance can be interrupted.

Its greatest strength is the teleological framework applied to the life-lie. The question “what goal does this difficulty serve?” is the most productive single question in practical psychology, and the book asks it relentlessly across every domain of the young man’s resistance. Once the reader has genuinely applied this question to their own life-lies, it cannot be forgotten. It remains as an internal auditor, permanently available.

Its greatest limitation is the dismissal of trauma and the structural dimensions of social approval. The framework works brilliantly for people whose primary obstacles are internally maintained. It is less adequate for people whose circumstances include genuine external constraints or whose psychological wounds require more than a change of framework to address.

In the context of this series, The Courage to Be Disliked sits directly after The Four Agreements for a specific reason: Ruiz tells you that your agreements can be changed; Adler tells you why you haven’t changed them yet — the life-lie, the goal of the symptom, the invasion of others’ tasks — and gives you the specific conceptual tools to begin. Together, they form the complete foundational account of why people do not become who they are capable of being.

You are not your past. You are what you choose to do about the goals your past has been serving. That choice is available now — not after therapy, not after circumstances improve, not when you feel ready. Now.

12. Deep Dive: Alfred Adler and Individual Psychology

Adler’s Place in Psychology’s Founding Triad

Alfred Adler is the most underacknowledged of psychology’s three founding giants. Freud’s influence on cultural understanding of the mind is pervasive and well-documented. Jung’s concepts — the collective unconscious, archetypes, introversion and extroversion — have entered common language. Adler’s concepts are equally pervasive but far less attributed: the inferiority complex, birth order theory, the emphasis on social interest as psychological health, the style of life, and the foundational insight that psychology must be understood teleologically rather than causally — these are all Adler’s contributions, largely absorbed into later frameworks without attribution.

Adler broke with Freud in 1911 over the fundamental question of motivation. Freud argued that behaviour is driven by the libido — sexual and aggressive instincts pressing forward from the past. Adler argued that behaviour is pulled forward by goals — by the striving for superiority (not social dominance, but personal mastery and contribution) that he saw as the fundamental human motivation. This is not merely a theoretical difference; it produces entirely different approaches to the question of how change occurs and what change requires.

Individual Psychology as Social Psychology

Adler named his system “Individual Psychology” — not because it focuses on the individual in isolation, but because it insists on the indivisibility (Latin: in-dividuum) of the person and their social context. Every psychological phenomenon, in Adler’s framework, is simultaneously personal and social. There is no inner life that is not shaped by and oriented toward the social world. The concept of Gemeinschaftsgefühl — community feeling, social interest — is the central positive ideal of Adlerian psychology: the sense of belonging to and contributing to a community that extends beyond the individual self.

13. Deep Dive: Practical Application Across Life Domains

Parenting and Education

Adler’s influence on progressive education is extensive and often unacknowledged. His insistence that children be treated as social beings with genuine agency — not as empty vessels to be filled with adult knowledge and authority — shaped the development of democratic classroom models, encouragement-based pedagogy, and the concept of natural and logical consequences as alternatives to punishment. The task separation concept applies directly to parent-child relationships: the child’s education, the child’s friendships, the child’s emotional development are ultimately the child’s tasks — the parent’s role is to support, encourage, and be present, not to manage the outcome.

Therapy and Coaching

Adlerian therapy is explicitly brief, future-oriented, and goal-directed — making it a natural precursor to contemporary CBT, solution-focused therapy, and coaching. The therapeutic relationship in Adlerian work is explicitly egalitarian: the therapist and client are collaborators investigating the client’s style of life and the goals it serves. The aim is not insight into the past but change in the present. The teleological question — “what goal is served by this difficulty?” — is the primary therapeutic intervention, and it can be learned and applied outside formal therapy.

14. Deep Dive: Underlying Psychology and Neuroscience

The neuroscience most relevant to the Adlerian teleological framework is the research on prospective cognition — the brain’s forward-looking, goal-directed processing. Neurological evidence suggests that the brain is fundamentally a predictive organ, constantly generating models of future states and directing behaviour toward anticipated outcomes. This is closer to Adler’s teleological model than to Freud’s hydraulic model of drives pressing from the past.

The research on motivated reasoning — the tendency to construct explanations that serve predetermined conclusions — provides the scientific basis for Adler’s life-lie concept. People do not simply observe their circumstances and then construct beliefs about them; they construct beliefs that serve their goals, and then experience those beliefs as observations. The specific goal most commonly served by life-lies is the avoidance of the uncertainty and potential failure that genuine change involves. Recognising motivated reasoning in oneself is the practical application of the teleological framework to one’s own belief formation.

15. Deep Dive: Common Mistakes in Applying the Framework

Using Task Separation as Emotional Detachment

The concept of task separation is sometimes misapplied as a justification for emotional withdrawal — “their feelings are their task, so I don’t need to care about them.” This is the opposite of Adler’s intent. Task separation is about responsibility and ownership, not about caring. You can be deeply concerned with someone’s wellbeing while recognising that their emotional state is ultimately their responsibility to manage. Caring without owning is the correct application; not caring is the misapplication.

Applying Teleological Logic to Genuine Suffering

The teleological framework (“you are choosing this difficulty to serve a goal”) is most powerful as a tool for adult reflection on maintained patterns. It is least appropriate as an accusation directed at someone in acute distress: “you are choosing to be depressed” or “you are choosing to be traumatised.” The framework is a lens for self-examination, not a verdict to be delivered from outside. Applying it externally without consent and without compassion produces harm, not insight.

The Four Agreements · Ruiz — The foundational companion. Ruiz addresses the content of the belief system (what the agreements say); Adler addresses the function of the belief system (what the agreements are being used to achieve). Read together, they explain both what your limiting beliefs contain and why you are maintaining them.

The Mountain Is You · Wiest — The emotional processing companion. Wiest provides the emotional depth and practical exercises that make the intellectual frameworks of Ruiz and Adler translatable into lived change. Where Adler says “you are maintaining this difficulty for a reason,” Wiest asks “what are you afraid will happen if you let it go?” — which is the necessary next question.

Man’s Search for Meaning · Viktor Frankl — The existential companion. Frankl, an Adlerian before his development of logotherapy, shares the teleological conviction that human beings are pulled forward by meaning rather than pushed by instinct. His account of finding meaning under conditions of extreme suffering is the most demanding possible demonstration of the Adlerian principle that attitude toward circumstances can be chosen even when circumstances cannot.

Thinking, Fast and Slow · Kahneman — The cognitive science companion. Kahneman’s research on motivated reasoning, cognitive bias, and the gap between System 1 (fast, automatic, emotionally driven) and System 2 (slow, deliberate, rational) processing provides the neuroscientific grounding for the Adlerian insight that our explanations for our behaviour are constructed post-hoc in service of goals we have not fully examined.

Final Reflection: The Series Finds Its Agency

If The Four Agreements tells you that the suffering is in the agreements you have made about reality, The Courage to Be Disliked tells you why those agreements are so difficult to change: because they are serving a purpose. The life-lie is not a mistake or a failure of understanding. It is a strategy — sophisticated, effective, and entirely rational given the goals it serves. Understanding those goals is the work of this book, and it is what makes the work of all the subsequent books possible.

The series needs this book because insight without agency produces a specific and painful frustration: the person who understands exactly what is wrong with their belief system and still cannot seem to change it. That frustration is itself diagnostic — it means the belief system is serving a goal that has not yet been identified and examined. Adler is the instrument for that examination. He is the series’ first answer to the question: yes, but why can’t I just change? The answer is: because part of you doesn’t want to. Let’s find out which part, and why.

“The courage to be disliked is not the courage to be unlikeable. It is the courage to live your own values even when those values will inevitably disappoint or frustrate some of the people around you. That courage is not a destination. It is a daily practice of choosing your own criteria for a life well lived.”

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